My grandfather was a Baptist minister, a pillar for our family and community. He taught me right from wrong, and the importance of compassion and public service. He was strict but also charming and had a great sense of humor. He was a jolly character in the lives of his grandchildren – the kind of grandfather you pulled pranks on, like braiding his hair when he’d fall asleep. He’d always pretend he was surprised when he woke up.
My grandfather also began to sexually abuse me when I was nine years old. I never spoke of what he did to me as a child. In fact, the others never did either until I came forward with the truth three years ago.
Two decades after the abuse, I realized I was living with the effects of trauma, the harm he caused, and how it continued to destroy many aspects of my life. Yet, when I began to tell my story in 2014, my life changed for the better. I faced a fear so great that I empowered myself.
In the time that I began to expose the violence and sexual abuse in my family’s past, I also experienced significant hearing loss. The hearing loss followed a series of traumatic events, and as a result, I entered a new form of isolation. I went inwards. I often found myself deep in thought while everything moved around me, examining my emotions or considering a deeper meaning to all aspects of my life. This loss was poetry as it created a space that brought depth, meaning, beauty.
I found beauty in myself and my life – a beauty that was silenced until my strength brought it forward. Another thing happened: my brain began to create sounds to compensate for the loss. To fight the silence.
Using my family’s super 8 archive – silent home movies – and my background in audio documentary production and sound art, I will produce this work with an experimental approach that brings forth my voice and the voices of family members. This film will also incorporate sound design that mimic the sounds I constantly hear because of the hearing loss. Silent Beauty will become a rich tapestry of sounds and voices that explores what my family went through and who helped me find healing in this process.
Silent Beauty was selected to participate in the 2016 New Orleans Film Festival’s Pitch Perfect, and awarded the 2017 Third Coast Residency at Ragdale. This film will be made available to audiences in English and Spanish.